So I must explain I feel why I must exclaim these things, but before I do some balance.
I haven't had an easy life, I came out quite late after 26 years of denial of some sort, growing up in a Roman Catholic community, school etc where, though sexuality was discussed it was the peers who looked down on me and poked fun even before I was prepared to admit to myself my preference for men. It took a choice of doing the unforgivable or trying to think of myself as gay.
That decision was one night in June 2003. I remember the feelings I had like they were earlier today, and the change in me after I just said 'fuck it, I like men!' was literally (okay figuratively speaking) like a ten tonnes weight lifting off my chest. Sadly this kind of depression has been creeping back into my life and has affected me for the worse. I've managed to distract myself mostly and it's not easy to tell the world of my weaknesses, but they are there, so please consider this if you are one of the sad few who see me as a target you want to try and knock down a peg or two. I've had it many times and eventually it just makes me stronger and better able to help others.
But this post isn't about my personal challenges, I'm sure if you're reading this, you've experienced similar or are going through a similar (but not exactly the same) scenario.
One thing that has been there lurking the whole time has been this interest in gear, from age 11 I remember drawing pictures and letting my mind wander, and then wondering why I had uncomfortable tenting in my pants!
Anyway, after I came out I made a few contacts online, met a few guys, and the first 'top' I met who could do lots of kinky things with me wanted me to meet his then Boyfriend. I think I may have already told this story, but 12 years later, with five of those being legally married I'm happy to say that top never deserved my husband. We are happier now than ever, totally devoted and determined to live our lives with each other and hopefully being kinky pensioners one day!
This is one of the reasons I'm lucky. VERY lucky. My husband is a biker, a rubber and gear perv who loves me dispite our differences. We compliment each other, we are different, we are the same.
Another reason I consider myself so lucky is the friends we've made over the course of our 12 years together. Though some friends only communicate infrequently, the true test is that after maybe a year, you can strike up a conversation and it's like no time has passed.
But more than that these friends have supported us through some rough financial times, rough physical times, and rough mental times. Without the various friends we've had we wouldn't be where we are today.
There's still a long way to go before we can retire or have the luxuries we dream about, but then, wouldn't that be too easy? It's about the journey, not always the destination.
Talking of destinations, one we are about to embark upon is Chicago. 12 years together and this is the first holiday abroad Colin and myself have taken and we're both so excited that words simply don't cover it. 10 of those years have been spent promising Rocketpup we will come, and I've often felt like a wet sponge always promising and never making good...until now, and we get to go to the first GearBlast:USA ever and help out too.
But this isn't the last reason I'm feeling so lucky. I had to explain that I identify all the good things in my life and recognise those who have been instrumental, though it would take far too long to say who they all are, I hope they know that I'm thinking of them and I am grateful for their kindness. This doesn't get said often enough, as assumptions are made, people are sensitive squishy balls of emotion so I say that everything I post online is a tribute to my friends who have given me the reason to be who and what I am. I hope to continue making friends to corrupt, and who will corrupt me further.
No, one challenge I've faced and talked about before is surrounding my pup side.
I have always identified as a pup, The tendancies to growl when angry, The feeling of wagging when happy, The protective nature over those dear to me. My love of meat! lol My devotion and loyalty to close dominants have all felt natural to me when playing the part of the pup.
But frustration has been the main downside of it over the last few years, not being able to really get into the pup headspace easily or frequently enough. Though I don the mask of a canine more often than not when playing, it was just a human wearing a dog mask and acting like a dog on occasion but not really feeling it.
The biggest call for help came last year after good friends GadgetAU and Rocketpup visited for GearBlast:UK. Rocket put me in his own pup hood and without realising it, I slipped into the headspace without thinking. This was a very very happy place for me and I distinctly remember 'licking' Rocket's gloves as he sat on my sofa, all I wanted to do was lick his gloves and his face because it made him happy. Gadget and I had some special time together as pups too and it seemed to have a similar effect on him too.
Having this kind of experience has happened before but never felt so natural. When it was all over and the guys left for home I was left with an empty place in my fetish interests again. Something Colin and I have tried but for some reason it doesn't work. Not for lack of trying, it's just not a dynamic that works for us. We're both okay with it, I guess it's hard to see the man he loves and disassociate the man from hooded leather/rubber pup on all fours.
I made a post and pretty much asked for help, something I was pained over doing - opening my emotions to reveal a weakness or desire. I got one response. In the form of RedSkull, who offered to help when the time was right for us both. I believe this was the start of things changing for my inner pup.
In the meantime a friendship was another friend had been growing steadily for a few years. Another couple in the south UK had welcomed us into their home, we'd played, shared some amazing times both in and out of gear mutually enjoying the exploration of new sensations, and the exciting kinky aspects of our collaborative minds both kinky and socially.
It was great that we could connect on many levels, but the pup side hadn't really been a big thing....yet.
But things changed in early 2015 (well late 2014, new years eve I suppose) where the couple from down south spent the new year with us, One of them enjoys being a pup in the most wide variety of gear, the other just a complete gear perv for leather and rubber.
Jimbo (Armalyte) who we had met back in 2009 met Devilkink and their relationship blossomed and these are the gentlepervs who welcomed us and vice versa. Devilkink and myself discovered we had similar issues with our self image and right there decided to challenge ourselves to lose weight so we could feel better about ourselves. The challenge is working, and together we have lost over a stone between us. Spurred on by GadgetAU's transformation from slightly chubby young man to an increasingly sexy pervert.
In the meantime, the stars aligned.
2015 was already shaping up to be an amazing year, and to get it off to a great start I decided I was going to be brave and attend the Pup Social at Bolts club in Birmingham, January 2015. I am not one to get pupped up in such an open setting but I braved the crowd and got out onto the floor on all fours.
I got some brief training from Redskull and simply didn't care about anyone else watching me, my only focus was RedSkull's eyes and the treats he had for me.
My husband was standing with Devilkink at this time and it seems that Devilkink had decided to become a trainer and had a certain pup in his sights.
When he suggested that he wanted to train me, and that I would be a good pup to help him become a better trainer, I knew in my heart it was the perfect combination. My pup soul jumped for joy tail wagging furiously.
As a gear perv and bondage freak I thought it was all about getting tied up in gear and controlled.
For the first time I knew what it was to be a pup. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to be proud of me. I knew the coming weeks and months would lead to some pervy conversations but more than that I wanted to let our friendship as humans grow, but also try to compartmentalise our mutual love of pup play and take advantage of any opportunity we would have.
Our significant others also felt this was the right choice. Jimbo, liked the idea of one of his own mates being his long time boyfriend's pup, and my husband felt one of his closet friends is more than suitable for the job of looking after me in pup mode. I am humbled that all involved have allowed this to happen. I feel truely loved to be given this opportunity to grow as a pup.
Since this unison we've only had one real opportunity to play due to normal life getting in the way, but it's still early days in 2015 (he says as we enter the second quarter - blimey!!) but that weekend was a landmark time as RedSkull joined us once more to support Devilkink, and Rascalpup came along to help Boots with a reference of what another Human pup was like - who felt comfortable in his own pupsona.
The net result was the longest I've ever been pupped up. Though it was a conscious thing to begin with, once I'd settled into the role, I could relax. I did have to consciously push myself to relax and switch my human mind off. Once I was able to relax I was played with, playing fetch, and 'find the glove' (to which Rascal helped me out with - shhh) plus various treats which made me feel messy being forced to eat without use of my hands (trapped in rubber paw mitts) and my tailplug secured for the whole duration.
5 hours flew past like hardly any time at all, which made coming out of the headspace difficult as I really didn't want to stop. It was a comfortable, pervy, blissful time and I really am looking forward to the next training session.
Losing weight also helps my confidence. I've always been 'bigger' than average, but for the first time in my life I'm keen to do my best for Devilkink. Both as a friend and as his pup.
I am proud to be Devilkink's pup, and proud to be his friend. Things can only get better.
For this I am extremely lucky. Thank you C, J, W, R, C for all you did that weekend for me. Thank you everyone else in playing your part in me being me, good or bad I wouldn't change anything at all.
The final words are, that though I will be travelling to Chicago and to attend GearBlast:USA I do so as myself with the blessing of my handler to just be myself. Devilkink doesn't own me, but he will be collaring me under his tuition. This is a relationship between good friends and a pup and his handler, mutual respect lays here.
This may be complicated to hear, but the important thing is we're good with it. If you want to know more, please feel free to ask.
And with that I bid you all a goodnight and Squeaky hugs *wags* WRUFF!!
